Memories
Chris has been on my mind all week; I just can’t stop thinking about him. We didn’t have a lot of memories together, but the ones I have will always be dear to me.
I’ve never lost someone so close to me, and especially not someone my age. We didn’t get to hang out alot, but we texted and talked on the phone a bunch. I talked to him about everything and it’s just so weird not being able to text him and ask for advice. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I don’t know how to deal with this. My best friend, Kachena, and I called his phone the other day just to hear his voice on the voicemail.
There’s still so much I wish that I could have said to him. I guess everyone is feeling that way now. I just want to tell him I’m sorry for the drama. And, that he is one of my very best friends. He was always there for me no matter what, and I just wish I could tell him how much I appreciate that. Mostly, though, I just want to tell him that I love him. I want to go and tell all my friends that I love them now, because this just made me realize how fragile life really is. As teenagers we think we’re invincible, and sometimes its hurts when we’re hit with the fact that we really aren’t…
Chris Hillbolt
It’s weird when we lose a classmate. The atmosphere at school changes and you find yourself hugging people you usually don’t even talk to. At my school we’ve lost at least 1 student each year since I think my seventh grade year. That’s 5 students in 5 years.
So I’ve come to expect certain things when we lose a classmate. This time it was different, though. There hasn’t been much talk about it, and the talk I’ve heard has been people joking about it and saying he deserved it, which pisses me off. But, hey, what can I do about it?
It just seems like no one cares. It’s like, because he was kind of a loner, that it doesn’t really matter to anyone. But, he was one of my bestfriends. I talked to him about everything. From trouble with the boyfriend, to whether tator tots or ched’r'bites are better. He gave me a lot of advice and was there for me no matter what.
It’s amazing how true some cliches are. Like, you never really know how great something is until it’s gone. I think that’s how I’m feeling about Chris right now. I kind of took him for granted and I just assumed he’d always be there. But, now he’s suddenly just gone out of my life and he’s never coming back. And, I just don’t know what to do.
I keep going over everything that happened is the last week that he was alive. Everything keeps replaying; from the kiss to the very last time he told me (randomly) that he likes tator tots. It’s like that week will never stop replaying in my mind. There were so many things I should have done differently. And, so many times when I wanted to apologize, but didn’t. I thought there would plenty of time to tell him how sorry I am. I was wrong, though. I’d like to elaborate on what it is I’m sorry for, but that’s just on important right now.
Tomorrow I’m going with my friend, Kachena, to Chris’s house. His mom told him that she could have something of his, and Kachena asked me to come along. I told her that his mom doesn’t know me, so she probably doesn’t want me there. But, Kachena told me that Chris talked about me to his mom. She said that his mom told her that Chris told her to tell about 5 or 6 people that he loves them before he died. I was one of them. I almost started crying right then, but I knew if I started crying again that Kachena would start crying again.
I think I’m going to ask for his Offspring cd. He was always trying to get me to listen to the Offspring. He even told me once that Papa Roach was no longer my favorite band, that the Offspring was. I asked what made him think that, and he said because he said so.
I miss him so much already…
