Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the Confusion category.
Letter to B
I’ve been wantign to sit down and write this for awhile. But, I could never find the point. Why should I pour my heart out in a letter that you’ll probably never read, and if you do, all you’ll see is a page of lies?
I want to be honest with you about everything; I want to come clean about everything, but with so many lies between us how are you supposed to know what’s true?
I see you in the hall and you just look straight ahead, avoiding me. And somehow that determined set in you jaw gives me a bit comfort. Becasue you looking straight ahead, avoiding my eyes, means that you did see me; you still noticed.
It’s hard to tell exactly when I went from being the girl you feel in love with to the girl you now, probably, hate. I’d like to tell you taht I didn’t know I was changing for the worst or that I tried to stop it. But, we both know thats not trues, and I’m committing to the whole honesty things now. Not only that, but we both saw the destructive path I’d stumbled onto. You tried to save me; I know you did. But how do you save someone from themself if they don’t want to be saved? All I can do now is say thanks for trying, and tell you that I don’t blame you for giving up on me.
I keep trying to think of how I want to say what I’m going to tell you next, but all I can think of are cliches. I don’t want to say ‘have a nice life’ or ‘I hope you’re happier now’. I want to use my own words, and I want it to sound sincere, because it is sincere.
I could tell you that I love and that I will always love you in some way, because you are my first love, and it would be the most truthful statement of my life. But, you wouldn’t believe a word of it.
I am so sorry for everything. Simple words for all the shit I’ve pulled over the last few months, but that’s all I can say. There’s nothing I can do to right what I’ve done. I can’t take it all back, no matter how much I want to.
You’ve walked out of my life, maybe forever, and I hope that when I tell you I’ll miss you, you believe it. But, I have to let you go, and I have to move on. Whether I’m moving on for good or just for now, is still the biggest question in my mind. But, I won’t ask you. I can’t.
Last night we talked alot more than we have in long time, and even today you didn’t ignore my texts. I wish I could talk to you in person, but you’ve asked me not to.
There are so many things I want to say to you, and there are so many questions going through my mind. I don’t say it all, but I still say too much. I’ve asked a few questions, but mostly only the ones I already know the answers to.
One question. That’s it. I’ve only asked one question in the last few days that I had no idea what the anwer would be. There were things that made me think it could be either answer. So, I sucked it up, I asked, and you said…you don’t know. I’ll ask when the answer is more clear.
Last ngiht I didn’t ask you if you still love me. I’d already assumed that you don’t. So, I asked you to just go ahead and say it, so I can just accept it. I thought, it would just be you confirming what I was so sure was true. Now, I know better. I know that part of me was holding onto some hope that you would say you do still care. The smarter part of me, knew you’d say you don’t.
Maybe, now I’ll be able to move on. I’ll have to let go. I thought I’d already let go; I told myself I had no right to still hold on after everything that I’ve done to you. But, now I know I was still holding on tight; I think I still am and will for awhile.
When, I see you, it hurts. You look so angry and so hurt and just unhappy most of the time. And, I know that that’s because of me. Sometimes I see you smile, though, and I see you laugh. And, I hope that you’re not just putting on an act this time, like I’ve seen you do before. I hope that you really are happy now. Because, I don’t want you stay unhappy because of what I did.
I love you, and always will in some way. Good-bye.
Admitting I Don’t Care Anymore
Why is it that no matter what I do, Brandon forgives me? I don’t deserve his forgive over and over. He’ll be mad for awhile (mostly with good reason) but he always gets over it with a little timeHow can it be that someone’s (besides God’s) love could be so unconditional? Lord knows, that when I’m doing the stupid stuff,I know it’s wrong and I know I shouldn’t be doing. But, when I’m doing it, I don’t care. What’s scary, is that I’ve hit a point where even when I wake up the next day, when I think back I still don’t care. I used to kick myself in the mornings when I’d wake up and remember the stupidity of the day before.
It was barely even 24 hours ago that we were arguing about the almost-topless pictures. (apparently I’m a tease, and they tell me this like I’m supposed to care; yeah right) And, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. As long as I promise not to do the stupid shit again he’s good.
And, now we’re back together. Again.
I think he loves the person he wants me to be, the person I used to be, more than the person I am. Sometimes, I want to be that person, too, but even if he can’t accept it, that girl is gone. Most of the time, I’m fine with the person I’ve become, or maybe it’s just that I don’t care enough to be better anymore.
The don’t-give-a-damn, self-destructive girl that I’ve slowly turned into is easier, and sometimes more fun, to be than the good girl I used to be, and could be again if I would just try. Sadly, though, I really don’t feel like putting in the effort to be that person.
I should feel ashamed for sending those pictures, but really I don’t even care. And, that should should scare me.
The only reason I’ve stopped doing some of the bad stuff, is the fear of leaving my home town. That scares the shit out of me. I guess, if you’d ask Brandon, though, he’d say I just stopped letting my mom catch me.
But, I’m done now. I may not feel like trying to be the good girl, but I don’t have to be the bad girl either. I just have to surround myself with the good friends again, and push away the bad. It’s easier with the right people.
Memories
Chris has been on my mind all week; I just can’t stop thinking about him. We didn’t have a lot of memories together, but the ones I have will always be dear to me.
I’ve never lost someone so close to me, and especially not someone my age. We didn’t get to hang out alot, but we texted and talked on the phone a bunch. I talked to him about everything and it’s just so weird not being able to text him and ask for advice. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I don’t know how to deal with this. My best friend, Kachena, and I called his phone the other day just to hear his voice on the voicemail.
There’s still so much I wish that I could have said to him. I guess everyone is feeling that way now. I just want to tell him I’m sorry for the drama. And, that he is one of my very best friends. He was always there for me no matter what, and I just wish I could tell him how much I appreciate that. Mostly, though, I just want to tell him that I love him. I want to go and tell all my friends that I love them now, because this just made me realize how fragile life really is. As teenagers we think we’re invincible, and sometimes its hurts when we’re hit with the fact that we really aren’t…
