Failure By Design

Drama

zariah — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:42:48 +0000

I thought he was bailing. I thought he was saying whatever it took to get him off the hook. I had begun to think of him as a completely different guy than the one I’ve know.

Turns out what he really did wrong was believe a rumor. One that has absolutely no truth at all. And because he believes this rumor I’m out of his life completely. Well almost completely; given the circumstances we’ll never completely be without each other.

I’m afraid that if I don’t try to talk to him he’ll think since I haven’t told him it’s not true and I haven’t denied it then it must be true. But, then I’m afraid if I do try to talk to him then he’ll think that I’m awfully defensive. I wish I could talk to him once, tell him it’s not true, and then leave him alone so he can figure out what he believes. My mom keeps telling me the more I try to convince the more it will look like I’m lying. But, if I don’t even try once, what will he think?

sigh

zariah — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 18:16:47 +0000

I try to keep my mind off him and the fact that he totally bailed. Yesterday I succeeded, but last night my dreams were all about him. The dreams were mostly memories, and some were what I’d like to see happen.
I try to pretend I’m ok and that it doesn’t bother me. But, truthfully, I am devastated, and I am falling apart.
Ready for a cliche?? Here it is: my head and my heart will not stop arguing.
Part of me believes everything that he’s been telling me since he talked to his parents is all lies; and that same part believes that he really thinks what his dad told me is what Taylor thinks, also.
The other part of me, believes everything he’s ever told me, with a few exceptions; and that part doesn’t believe that what his father thinks is what he thinks. I want so bad to believe that his parents are just trying to keep us apart and that he’s been fighting it like he says he has.

I want to believe him because he’s only lied to me once or twice before. And, I trust him completely.
I don’t want to believe him, though, and be the naive stupid girl that is being completely fooled by this boy just because I love him.

I wish I could just talk to him and found out what he really thinks and what the truth is, instead of just being bitched at by his dad…

And When it Does Crash Down…

zariah — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 03:52:04 +0000

Depending on your situation sometimes you weep and grieve for your lost relationship. You sit in the rubble of your destroyed world and wonder what you did wrong.

Yet, in some situations, after the dust clears you find yourself still standing strong. You look at the remains of what you’d known and pick yourself up, and keep going.

Although I was devastated, now I’m ok. I have other priorities at the moment that are more pressing. I have to pick up and move on. I’m not quite ready to give up on him, yet, but that’s understandable…right…

My Latest Lesson

zariah — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 23:57:06 +0000

I’ve learned that when you’re in love you don’t see your partner as flawless, or perfect, or even incapable of hurting you.
You see their flaws, you except them, and you learn to love them.
You know they’re not perfect, but you see beauty in that. After all, perfection is boring, right..
And, you know, without a doubt that they could hurt you. You know they could crush you, devastate you and bring your world to an abrupt, tragic end. But, you embrace that love anyway. You embrace it, because you know that the risk of having your world crash down on you, if they so choose for it to, is undoubtedly, without question, and most definately WORTH IT.

Braum’s

zariah — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 08:05:55 +0000

Went in Monday, read the handbook, did paper work, and they put us in the computer.
Tuesday went in at 4, trained on 2nd drive thru window.
Wednesday went in at 4, was on the window by myself. Got off work at 8.
Thursday, same place, worked 5 to 9.
Friday same, 5 to 10:30.
Saturday same, actually worked till close this time. Learned how to shut everything down.

It’s fun. I like it. Get to work with my best friend.

I’m a Lover not a Figher

zariah — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:01:54 +0000

You Are a Lover

You think that there’s no use in fighting, even if you know you’re right.
No one wants to hear that they’re wrong, so you try your best to compromise.

You have love in your heart for almost everyone. You focus on what you do have in common with people.
Life is so much nicer when everyone gets along. For you, that harmony is the most important thing.

Are You a Lover or a Fighter?

8 hours

zariah — Tue, 26 May 2009 20:23:25 +0000

That’s how much school is left YAY! =)

Heavy on my Ring Finger

zariah — Sun, 24 May 2009 03:59:25 +0000

This skate baring of mine. The promise ring from Paul Taylor made out of a skate baring if been weighing down the usually vacant ring finger.

I was happy when he first gave it to me and still am. I’m incredibly happy to have the promise that goes with it. Yet, it is litterally heavy today. Maybe because I’m finally feeling the pressure of what that promise he gave really means. Maybe because we’ve been arguing all day. I’m not sure.

But, something has been bothering me lately when it comes to him. I’m just not quite sure what it is.

I’m paranoid and insecure. Maybe I just need to get over all of my issues and actually let someone in for once. He is a great guy, after all.

Hmm…

zariah — Sun, 17 May 2009 16:24:40 +0000

I’m feeling kind of bad about the post I wrote about my dad. That is how I feel sometimes, ok a lot of the time. But, now I’m not so mad.
He called yesterday, and came and picked me up. We drove back, went to eat, smoked. Yeah, I smoked with my dad, it was kind of weird.
And, I hadn’t really talked to anyone all day, so of course, I talked his ear off all the way back to his house.

Father Dear

zariah — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:59:13 +0000

From my journal.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I’m thinking I may be the worst daughter ever. Definitely the worst one my family (mom’s side) has seen.
I’m an idiot, that’s for damn sure. I’ve been trying so hard to fix everything and then in one hour I screw up all these weeks of trying. I’m starting to think maybe I’m incapable of righting any of this. I just don’t know if can really not screw everything up after it’s finally good again.
I just went to get something to drink, that was it. I was only going to be gone, a whole ten minutes, maybe eleven. And, then K, my bestie, saw me walking. She stopped, offered a ride home. We decided to drive around for a few minutes first. Nothing wrong with that right? Yeah until a few minutes turns into a hour and Mom has already called all my friends, looking for me. It was supposed to be simple: straight home after school, do my laundry, go to Taylor’s at 7:00, have two incredible hours with him, be at Grandma’s by 9:00.
But I’m a dumb ass. The worst part is, if I had borrowed K’s phone, and called Mom and asked if I could hang out with K for about an hour until I had to be at Taylor’s, she probably would have let me.
I’m grounded, checking in is oober important. I should be checking in with dear ol’ mom twice as much as I usually would. But, I stupidly did not think about that. I just thought: hey, what’s a few minutes with my best friend, who is super excited about the truck she just got this week? It’s nothing…if I call Mom. But, it’s a big something if I don’t.
I hate myself, it’s that simple: pure hatred. I don’t want to go to the therapist lady anymore trying to figure out why I hate myself; I already know why.
It’s simple really, obvious, even:
I hate myself, because all the stupid, twisted things I’ve done were to get one person’s attention, but I never get it, no matter how far I go. And, everyone I love gets hurts except the one person I want to hurt more than anything: my father, the asshole.
Mom thinks I’m trying to punish him through her. But I don’t want her to hurt or worry. I want him to feel unimaginable pain; pain that equals the sting of having a father that appears to not give a fuck about me or my life.
My biggest fear? That my mom looks at me and asks herself where she went wrong. That she blames herself when she should really blame the father of her children.
The most twisted part? I want his attention, but I don’t want to talk to him. I want him to want me to be a part of his life, like I’ve wanted him to be a part of mine. And then I want to walk away, and see how well he handles the sting of rejection. Hopefully, about as well as I handled it: not well at all.

Random Rantings…

Fall to pieces, daddy dear, hurt like you hurt me; like you continue to hurt me. Feel the sting that I feel every time you say you’ll come get me, but when you’re car pulls up, it’s not you. (I love you stepmommy, and riding back to your house with you is fun, but he should say one of us will be there.) Like you hurt me in the handful of sentences you send my way, when I am at your house; can’t you say more? Like you hurt me when my birthday comes, and I don’t expect you to call anyway, but it stings like a mofo when you still don’t call.
You know, I love you. But, I don’t know you; I don’t know you at all, father. Apparently though, I’m very much your daughter. Stephanie Wimmer seems to think so anyway.
I’ve been with Taylor for three months now. And, when I talked to you last, just two weeks ago, you didn’t even know who he was when I said his name. He looked at me all insulted because my own father hadn’t been told about him. After I got off the phone with you I told him I hadn’t seen you since the first week of February, he understood why you didn’t know who he was then.
There’s something wrong when you love your boyfriend more than you love your father. There’s a reason for this, though: I know Taylor better than I know you, father dear.
I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are. I want you to know that he makes me feel special, he makes me feel loved. And, he gave me a promise ring. After only three months, we’re in a very serious relationship; more serious than Brandon and I ever were. He put that ring on my finger, took my face in both hands, and said, “Zariah Joelle, I promise I will marry you someday. I’ll never leave you.”
And you know what? I believed him. I trust him. And, I don’t trust many people. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust my friends. I trust Mom, her boyfriend Mike, Bubba, Kachina, Megan, and Rachael. And, it took me a very long time to finally be able to trust them. Except with Taylor, I’ve trusted him, since the night we laid down in the grass at him best friend’s house, looked up at a sky full of stars, and he told me that he had a crush on me and that he had for awhile.
I love him; and when I love someone, I love them with everything I have.
You know, I used to think of you as a hero. I don’t remember when it changed or when I stopped looking at you through the innocent eyes of childhood and naivety and started looking at you through jaded, angry eyes. I still love you Daddy dear, but I haven’t quite found it in my heart to forgive you, yet. I’m not even sure I know exactly what all it is that I’m forgiving you for.
It’s not your sort of thing anyway, but when I marry Taylor (and it will happen) Papa Rick is going to walk me down the isle and he and Howard will give me away. I used to worry about it would make you feel when I told you that. But, you know what? I don’t care anymore. You lost the right to give me away. You have to have actually have held onto someone, loved someone, protected someone, comforted them when they had nightmares, put a cold wash rag on their face after they finish puking because of a stomach bug: all things that Mom has done.
So, I’m sorry if it hurts you to know that you won’t be one of the people there at my wedding, giving me away to my new life. But, it’s your own fault. You weren’t there, so I don’t see why I should count you among the people that molded me, shaped me, hurt for me when I screwed up and hurt them all, and made me who I am. You’re not one of those people.
Love You Dad,
-Zariah Joelle